Thursday, April 30, 2009

Let God

It is never easy to let go and lose control of a situation. It is never easy to accept defeat. It is never easy to acknowledge that your plan has gone askew. It is never easy to hurry up and wait. This is the new motto in our house: hurry up and wait. So as we wait we ponder the numbers:

2372 days of wanting to be parents

78 months of trying to get pregnant

78 negative pregnancy tests

5 different doctors

3 rounds of Clomid

4 failed adoption

14 homestudies sent in to CPS-not one picked us

and countless heartache

Even though these numbers seem oddly disheartening we never give up. We keep going and even though our hearts hurt and ache and our minds tell us to quit and move on we know that one day we will look down at the amazing bundle in our arms and this journey will seem so short and absolutely worth it.

I trust in God for our future. He knows the plans He has for us. I can make my plans. I can even chart our course, but my God is in complete control.

At times I have a pity party. There are no invitations, no balloons, no streamers. There is only me and my pity. It is a very sad party and that is why I do not invite anyone. Some things are better done in private.

Losing Adrian was one of the hardest things we have ever done. And now such a short time later (15 days) we are 95% positive we have lost another. Its not fair. But when I am sad and alone I fall into the arms of my Lord and I cry on His huge shoulder. He comforts me.

I do not write these posts for those out there to feel sorry for us. We do not feel sorry for ourselves. Every loss is a lesson learned. Every day that passes is one less day we face without our baby(s). We vent to get it out and to work through our feelings.

The lessons we have learned from our journey thus far:

Your faith keeps you going through all of life's heartahce.

Your spouse is the shoulder you cry on at 3 am for no reason whatsoever.

The people you call friends lift you up in ways you did not know they would.

You grow as a person and a mommy.

You don't have to have a child to be a mommy/daddy.

You never take for granted the small treasures hidden in every single day.

Prayer is a powerful thing.
Every morning I wake up with my aching heart and empty arms. Every night I dream of the first time we will lay our eyes upon our child. And every minute passed is one more minute closer to our baby.

Friday, April 24, 2009


Let me start at the beginning of this crazy adventure. We found out on April 15th that the precious baby boy we thought would be joining our family would indeed not be ours. As devastating as this news was to us, we had the unbelievable opportunity to speak with the family that will soon call him their son and fell in love with their heart! It is truly amazing the way God works!! We greived our loss but had faith that God's timing is perfect. So we again began to wait.
The wait is never easy. It seems the days get longer and longer, and the phone always rings but it is never who you wanted to be calling. Our coordinator, Jamie, has been absoultely unbelievable. She is an amazing woman with an amazing heart. She notified us on Monday about a possible situation. The baby was not born yet, but was expected any day and the adoptive parents felt this was not for them at the last minute. We listened and prayed, and sadly declined due to financial reasons. In all the time we have tried to be parents, I never thought I could decline a situation! There is this precious baby and we have to say no. It didn't seem fair, so again I grieved! I prayed for guidance and peace.
As I am in Walmart on Wednesday afternoon our DFPS caseworker calls and says that our homestudy had been sent out four months ago regarding two precious girls. The caseworker had been going through all of the profiles she recieved and had chosen our home! I cried as I paid the poor woman at the register who I am sure thought I was crazy. I drove to Brandon's work to inform him......and once again we waited. We never heard anything else about it. So we let go and let God!
And then there was today. Jamie called this afternoon and asked how we were doing. She then proceeded to tell me about yet another situation! A birthmom one week past her due date....and we were the only family! Now granted this little guy is already a miracle. He has been exposed to drugs and alcohol but medicals say he is doing far better than to be expected. Moms addicted to meth normally give birth very early and she is 10 days past. So we held our breath, and began to pray. As of this moment (11:24 pm) we are the prospective adoptive family! If this baby decides he is coming this weekend then there will be a lot of paperwork and we will then travel the 20 hrs to meet him! If he holds on until Monday, then we will do paperwork then and hopefully know when we will travel~but being 10 days past due we are anticipating any time now.
Now, I know that God has a plan. Sometimes that plan is neither what we anticipated or desired, but He knows what is best for our lives. So we are praying for this young woman as well as our possible little prince to be healthy and safe. We are making lists in our heads as well as getting things in order for a possible road trip. We are excited and worried.....humbled and grateful....hopeful and terrified!
We have tried to be parents for six years (exactly six years this past week) and now in a course of ten days we have grieved a loss, declined a situation, been confused regarding two little girls, and now are hopefully waiting on our little guy to make his entrace into this world! How is this even possible? Our God is good!! He is mighty and just!!!
Please keep us in your prayers as we have no idea what will happen next....I am thinking of making our lives into a daytime soap in that case please stay tuned:)