It is never easy to let go and lose control of a situation. It is never easy to accept defeat. It is never easy to acknowledge that your plan has gone askew. It is never easy to hurry up and wait. This is the new motto in our house: hurry up and wait. So as we wait we ponder the numbers:
2372 days of wanting to be parents
78 months of trying to get pregnant
78 negative pregnancy tests
5 different doctors
3 rounds of Clomid
4 failed adoption
14 homestudies sent in to CPS-not one picked us
and countless heartache
Even though these numbers seem oddly disheartening we never give up. We keep going and even though our hearts hurt and ache and our minds tell us to quit and move on we know that one day we will look down at the amazing bundle in our arms and this journey will seem so short and absolutely worth it.
I trust in God for our future. He knows the plans He has for us. I can make my plans. I can even chart our course, but my God is in complete control.
At times I have a pity party. There are no invitations, no balloons, no streamers. There is only me and my pity. It is a very sad party and that is why I do not invite anyone. Some things are better done in private.
Losing Adrian was one of the hardest things we have ever done. And now such a short time later (15 days) we are 95% positive we have lost another. Its not fair. But when I am sad and alone I fall into the arms of my Lord and I cry on His huge shoulder. He comforts me.
I do not write these posts for those out there to feel sorry for us. We do not feel sorry for ourselves. Every loss is a lesson learned. Every day that passes is one less day we face without our baby(s). We vent to get it out and to work through our feelings.
The lessons we have learned from our journey thus far:
Your faith keeps you going through all of life's heartahce.
Your spouse is the shoulder you cry on at 3 am for no reason whatsoever.
The people you call friends lift you up in ways you did not know they would.
You grow as a person and a mommy.
You don't have to have a child to be a mommy/daddy.
You never take for granted the small treasures hidden in every single day.
Prayer is a powerful thing.
Every morning I wake up with my aching heart and empty arms. Every night I dream of the first time we will lay our eyes upon our child. And every minute passed is one more minute closer to our baby.