Thursday, April 30, 2009

Let God

It is never easy to let go and lose control of a situation. It is never easy to accept defeat. It is never easy to acknowledge that your plan has gone askew. It is never easy to hurry up and wait. This is the new motto in our house: hurry up and wait. So as we wait we ponder the numbers:

2372 days of wanting to be parents

78 months of trying to get pregnant

78 negative pregnancy tests

5 different doctors

3 rounds of Clomid

4 failed adoption

14 homestudies sent in to CPS-not one picked us

and countless heartache

Even though these numbers seem oddly disheartening we never give up. We keep going and even though our hearts hurt and ache and our minds tell us to quit and move on we know that one day we will look down at the amazing bundle in our arms and this journey will seem so short and absolutely worth it.

I trust in God for our future. He knows the plans He has for us. I can make my plans. I can even chart our course, but my God is in complete control.

At times I have a pity party. There are no invitations, no balloons, no streamers. There is only me and my pity. It is a very sad party and that is why I do not invite anyone. Some things are better done in private.

Losing Adrian was one of the hardest things we have ever done. And now such a short time later (15 days) we are 95% positive we have lost another. Its not fair. But when I am sad and alone I fall into the arms of my Lord and I cry on His huge shoulder. He comforts me.

I do not write these posts for those out there to feel sorry for us. We do not feel sorry for ourselves. Every loss is a lesson learned. Every day that passes is one less day we face without our baby(s). We vent to get it out and to work through our feelings.

The lessons we have learned from our journey thus far:

Your faith keeps you going through all of life's heartahce.

Your spouse is the shoulder you cry on at 3 am for no reason whatsoever.

The people you call friends lift you up in ways you did not know they would.

You grow as a person and a mommy.

You don't have to have a child to be a mommy/daddy.

You never take for granted the small treasures hidden in every single day.

Prayer is a powerful thing.
Every morning I wake up with my aching heart and empty arms. Every night I dream of the first time we will lay our eyes upon our child. And every minute passed is one more minute closer to our baby.


  1. I am sorry for your heartache. I feel selfish that we worried about just 1 year of no baby. I have tasted only a smidge of your ache but I know that not much else can fill that desire...except God. So keep trusting Him and He will give you the desires of your heart.

  2. My heart aches for you! I'm so sorry that you've been through so many trials. Please continue to have faith that God's plan for you and your future child will reveal itself in His time. In the meantime, I encourage you to look into international adoption. We went that route to avoid some of the problems you have had. Holt International is our agency and they have an *excellent* waiting child program, which I think would be great for you guys since you are open to special needs. If you ever want more info, just let me know!!! Again, I'm so sorry. I will continue to pray for you!

  3. Brandi keep your chin up. I can't imagine how it feels to be in your shoes but I know how if feels to watch you. You will get there soon one day, we have to be patient and trust in God. He will get you through. No matter what I love you very much and am here if you need anything.

  4. Brandi, I am so very proud of you and Brandon. the way you are handling the heartaches and disappointments and continute to have a caring heart. So many would have given up, but that is not you. Keep seeking God in all you do and your child will be with you soon. I am always just a call away. Love youu.

  5. I so know your heartache. My husband and I tried to conceive for10 years. We went through the 6 rounds of clomid, shots, and test. In the end nothing. I no the cry and the feeling of the empty arms. I finally heard GOD talking to me. Stop trying to get pregnant and start being a forever family. I am so glad I listened. We went through America World Adoption Agency's- International China -Waiting Children's Program. We just celibrated our 1 year anniversary with our 3 year old daughter, and she is the love of our lives. I truthly felt moved to bring you our story, and I really think you will have a wonderful experience with AWAA. I can give you all kinds of information. You can email me and I will be happy to email you information or you can email for my number and we can talk in person. Hope to hear from you soon!